22 posts tagged “joke”

My wife sat down on  the couch  next to me as I was flipping channels. She  asked, 'What's on  TV?'

I said,  'Dust.'

And then the fight  started...
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My wife was hinting about what she  wanted for  our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3  seconds.'

I bought her a  scale.

And then the fight   started...
 
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded  that I  take her someplace expensive...so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight  started...

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security   office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind  the counter  asked me for my driver's license to verify  my age. I looked in my  pockets and realized I had left  my wallet at home. I told the woman that  I was very  sorry, but I would have to go home and come back  later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.  So I  opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She  said,  'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough  for me' and she  processed my Social Security   application.

When I got home, I  excitedly told  my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have  dropped your  pants. You might have gotten disability,  too.'

And then the fight  started...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My  wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,'  I  sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a  person could go on celebrating that long?'

And  then the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant.  The waiter, for  some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the  mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight  started...

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A  woman is standing nude, looking  in the bedroom mirror.  She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat  and ugly.  I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started...

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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.  He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why  were you running?'

And then the fight  started...

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered  that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started...

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I  asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?  "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.  "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"  she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight  started...

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My wife and I are  watching Who Wants To Be A  Millionaire while we were in bed.  I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have  sex?"

"No," she   answered.

I then said, "Is that your final  answer?"

She didn't even look at  me this time,  simply saying "Yes."

So I  said, "Then I'd like to phone a  friend."

And that's when the fight started...

No Moe Bush

No Moe Bush

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here.

The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house
watching the TV.

I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked
out and the car stopped. I walked back home to get my husband's
help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the
bedroom with a neighbor lady.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve
years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd
been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop
or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and
he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I
love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has
become increasingly distant.

I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can
be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking
that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the
jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If
none of these approaches solve the problem, it could be that the
fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the
carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
John

Dallas Cowboys

Q: What do you call 53 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?

A: The Dallas Cowboys.

Q: How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?

A: Put up goal posts

Q: Why doesn't San Antonio have a professional football team?

A: Because then Dallas would want one.

Q: What's the difference between a Dallas Cowboy & a dollar bill?

A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What do the Dallas Cowboys and possums have in common?

A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Q: What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?

A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ'